Home....

So today I went to look at a house. My cousins boyfriend is selling this house & my real dad & step mom thought of me... so for the heck of it i went to see it. i liked it. i have soooooo many ideas for this house! it is not perfect... but it is workable. my thoughts are this: my boys will be moving out in the next 3-5 years. i will have it payed off by then... then i am scott free right??? lol
so when you walk in, there is a tiny living room, then a bigger dining room... im going to have to knock the divider down to make it one open room! small living rooms are not acceptable to me =)
the bedrooms are nice sized, the bathroom is tiny but not as tiny as what i have now... so its doable. the kitchen.... wow! it is going to need some work but i am patient and can do a good portion of it myself so its cool. the basement is not finished it doesnt have central air but that can be worked on also by next summer. there is a little sunroom on the back that will be vincents room until we build a bigger room onto it. i think this will be a good learning experience with me and the boys and building stuff together. i am going to see how much of it we can do on our own =) so i will be posting pics as we move in (in sept) and get the renovations going on!
i am very thankful this opportunity fell into my lap & i didnt sit and think about it to make myself not want to do it, i am just taking this on a whim & doing it! it is $200 cheaper a month than my rent now... land contract for the first year until i get all my stuff paid off and in order... so my wonderful blessings are much much appreciated at this point!

Betraying Yourself...

The last couple months have been crazy. I have gotten so close with & so far from my kids. I feel like a stranger sometimes. I discovered they have all smoked pot. Mind you I knew my oldest was going to eventually because he talked to me about it but I thought I had talked him out of it... to my greatest fear I had not. I also found out my youngest two have been smoking...

Attitude

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

William James


I read this today on a website... it really made me think about a lot of things. And for one I am glad that some of those things are gone in my life. Im just confused as to why they had to happen. There has to be some big picture I am not seeing or understanding. I have never regretted anything in my life but there is one thing I do regret and that is going to drive me insane. It is not really anything I did or didnt do but its the way I allowed things to happen. I think I have basically just set myself up for the bs that went down....
But on to a better life, one that brings much more peace... and hopefully it stays that way!

If the shoe fits...

So people are going to screw up in life right?
I mean shyte this happens every day. But contrary to popular belief that person will not always be screwing up.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me Saturday night that you will have F#$% ups, and you will have a person who has F$#^*& up.
I am a cheerleader and football player for the latter team. I have not completely screwed my life up. I have made choices that were not so great, choices that I could make a time machine and go change... or I could just shrug my shoulders, wipe off the tears and go on with life.
I am not perfect... by any means. However... there are enough people who feel they have the right, earned the right or whatever, to point their dirty little fingers at others. Now let me be a bit brutal right here... YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE F'ING RIGHT TO POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ANYONE!
I do not care who you are, you could be Mother Teresa and you still have not earned the right to point your finger at anyone.
I am a constant learner. Contrary to what you finger pointers believe. I know when to hold them, I know when to fold, I know when to walk away and I certainly know when to run! I am not a conniving person, I am not a liar unless it is to someone who does not matter to me... and then it is usually such a small lie that (even tho still wrong) is not going to affect my life in a major way.
I have had my fill of hard times, crappy luck and just plain bad times. BUT I dont dwell on it and let it control my life. I did that once, when I found out I was going to lose my house after my divorce when I couldnt find a job... I went into a depression. I became someone I didnt like. I drank a few times a week then but it wasnt like I was in the bar every night, and I wasnt bringing people home to be around my kids. When I realized I was going into a depression, I panicked and flipped out. I ended up having a very bad anxiety attack at my sons cross country meet one Saturday. I thought I was dying. I was sure it was the end of the world.
For the crap I have gone through in the last 8-9 months, that was nothing in comparison. Everyone has to believe in something right? Even if I explained to you in great details you still wouldnt understand what I believe in. My belief system is a little screwed up. I pray, I talk to my Uncle Larry, I find forgiveness in my heart, I find solace in trying to be the best person I can be.
But when someone runs their mouth about you and says things that are not true, you start to question yourself. You begin to wonder how others see you... I use to care what a lot of people thought of me. But I dont anymore. The reason for this is, I talk to God. I dont need to say anything more. Its not a real close relationship, I am human after all. But when I think there is something substantial in my life that I need his help on, he is always there for me. Sometimes he comes in the form of my daddy or someone else who listens and tries to help me get a grip on things.
I have lost my faith in a lot of people lately.
Does it bother me? Not always.
Do I miss them? Very rarely
Why? Because this situation has shown me the true selves of so many people I thought once meant the world to me.
Have I learned from this? You bet I have, and it is a lesson I cannot even describe to you, it is a situation I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. But I am at peace, I am humbled, and I am done.

I am done feeling anything. I have my boys and few close friends and that is all I need right now. Lies can be told, lies can be believed, words are cheap when you dont know the whole situation or have the balls to listen to every side of something.
I am tired and worn down... but I got my second wind and promise more good will come of this than I ever thought possible.
So one day when you realize how much you have missed and want to call to see how its going, dont bother... I wont have the time to listen to you then, just like you didnt have the time to ever really listen to me.

hmmmmmm

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." - -- Maya Angelou

PS I Love You

Ok, so I watched this movie a few weeks ago. It made me cry, then immediately made you laugh. I loved it but hated it. I needed a cry my eyes out kind of movie.
Last week I was in the library and seen the book on the shelf while looking at movies. I decided to read it.... big mistake. I hated it. Well not necessarily HATED it but it sucked pretty bad.
At first I was mad because it was nothing like the movie... but the farther I got into the book Im glad it was nothing like the movie. They took the best parts of the book and made the movie.
I dont think I would recommend this book for anyone, it was just not my cup of tea... no offense to the little girl who wrote it =)

Looking glass

So the shit I have been dealing with that I am not going to go into detail about because there are just some things that make it hard to believe the shit happened. I am in the anger stage right now. Angry that she could ever do that to me... the one person she knows would never do what she said. I have a witness and fk the rest.
I dont care anymore. I have just basically lost my family and I dont care. I have my boys and to me that is all the family I need now. I guess going through this I will find out who my true friends are...
Im not one to keep a lot of friends around or let them in too deep. Its not that I dont need friends, I just dont want to risk being stabbed in the back. I mean hell if your own family can do it then why wouldnt someone else???
It is more stress than one person needs to go through. Am I sorry the whole ordeal happened? Yes. I would never do what was said. I am appalled that I have had to listen to the lies and bs fuming around. At first I was in shock and just wanted to get the shit over and done with. Now... now I think that all the things you have ever said to me are bs and I dont ever want to talk to you again for the rest of my life. I thought you were someone. I adored you. I loved being able to look up to you. I thought I needed you in my life but for 36 years I guess I was very mistaken.
I honestly should have seen it coming with the way you have been towards me in the last year. I should have cut my ties a year ago and done what I wanted to do.
Everyone makes mistakes in their life. Losing my house after a divorce is not something I should have been condemned for. I was trying to make ends meet and work anywhere at that point. I have never been an alcoholic. I have never done all the things you have said to so many different people. Im sure you cant even keep your own lies straight anymore because you have told so many of them.
And now.. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because I am the one person that has been there just like you were always there for me.
My heart breaks that we have come to this. I hope to God you never try to talk to me because I feel nothing anymore for you. It almost makes me cry to be able to say that. But you know that all you have wanted from me in the last year is to break me down... to see me cry... to know that I have any feelings left at all. Well congratulations... you will now know that I do not have any feelings left. I have been hurt for the last time by the last person I ever thought would be able to hurt me.
Goodbye forever...