I know a lot of "absent" parents dont see things from the other point of view and that is fine. That just means you are too selfish to give of yourself. Maybe your kids are better off... however they did not ask to be here, so you should give more of yourself.
I have 3 sons. I have a 16 year old and 2 13 year old twins. I love my kids. Their personalities are so different. They all 3 dont eve act the same. I love it more than anything. The twins' dad is local and he sees them on a regular basis. He is not the superdad I had imagined my kids having but he is there for them... and for that I appreciate him!
My oldest son's father lives in New Mexico. He is a piece of shit basically. I went to school with the man. Adored him from the day I first seen him. Fell madly in love with him... we spent almost a year trying to have a baby. Broke up and found out I was preggo. It has been a roller coaster since then. Not only with him but with his mother too. It is an odd relationship between the two of them. Its almost like a sickness. I know how much she loved his "absent" dad her whole life, even when she was married to a good man. And its almost like since I dont pine over my sons dad, he doesnt get that attention from them. Im the worse mom according to them. His father actually had the nerve to tell me I should get over him, mind you this was last year!!!!!!!!!!! What the piece of shit doesnt understand is I have been over him for about... oh Id say 15 years! When my son turned one his father came around for a few weeks, almost months I think. I cant remember. Anyways... he acted like he wanted to be there for my son, hell he even cried when they took blood for the paternity test from my son. How touching. But it was bullshit. Since then, the man has been nothing to my son. He ran off and married his high school "whore" and I dont say that in a mean way, she seriously was! They divorced and he remarried and had 2 more kids. Then they divorced and he had another kid with someone he was/is dating... I dont know the details.
Anyways, so at one point when my son and him were talking on the phone (I think my son was 5) he & his wife (kids #2 & 3) & I were talking on the phone. How I feel about things came into light and I told him "I will always love you in some way because I have Vincent"... now the idiot still to this day brings up that I love him!!!! OMG If I hated his father, I think that would affect how I am a mother to him, right??? So I had to tell him last year when he told me I needed to get over him just how over him I was... I have never been rude to him in the way that I was on the phone that day but I had had my fill of his BS that everyone buys into. In my honest opinion, I think he is bipolar and a manic depressive. The man has no sense of feelings or passion for anyone else except himself. I dont believe for a second when someone else tells me otherwise because how could you just walk away from a child and pretend like he doesnt exist?
Now over the last 10+ years him and his mom have openly discussed their dislike for me in front of my son. When he was 9 they said some pretty rude things. I told my son to just forget it and let them have their opinions. I have never said anything bad to my son about them... so I expected the same in return but I was not so lucky. However... now that my son is 16, he has some anger and he wants to get it out. So he emailed his grandmother and asked for his dads number... she told him to call her. So he did. She refused to give him his fathers number because she doesnt want me to have it. Over the last 16 years I have had his number maybe a handful of times (mind you it changes like a person changes their socks) and maybe phoned him 3 times in that time period.
He is the last man I want to speak or have anything to do with! I have married and divorced, dated and been single. I have not compared these men to him, nor have I thought of him in any way like that... now if I was so madly in love with him, wouldnt I move closer or something?? I tell you, some people just have no sense of reality! My son was very disheartened and angry last night with his grandmother wouldnt give him the number and he yelled and he told her he has every right to call that man and talk to him about how he feels. And she still denied him!
A few months ago, my son was up north with his aunt (his dads sister, the only one in the family who cares to go out of their way to see him) and they were at his grandmothers. He was talking to his cousin and his dad came up in the convo. He told his cousin he didnt really know his dad because he didnt want to see him. Apparently his grandmother got mad at him and started yelling at him about how it was all my fault because I wont let him see him on his terms, blah blah blah!!!!
Mind you, I have never denied his family from seeing him ever in the last 15 years. Now I have put my foot down and told her she will no longer have any contact with my son. If being psychotic and crazy is worth losing a grandchild then so be it. She did bring me into the conversation on the phone last night and my son told her she is never to speak of me because I have been there for his whole life and she hasnt (bravo!!! yay made me a proud mama) and not to do it again.
Some days I am so glad his father was never a part of his life. I think he has a better chance at not getting those psychotic/bipolar genes they have.
It is just so frustrating that a grown ass woman and a grown ass man cannot see how hurt my son is! It makes me angry...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Dear Mr President:
Is there any way to nicely tell someone they are screwing up?
Can you email the President and tell him really what is on your mind (without being investigated! lol)?
I am curious of this. I didnt vote for him, so I cant bitch. However, I have many opinions so I feel I should share them with him. Not to be mean but just give him some ideas... cuz apparently congress is not doing such a hot job.
I know Im a woman, not many men will listen to us but I believe Im a smart woman. I believe I have experienced enough in life (short of going to war) to have that right to speak against what is going on in my country.
I do not agree with how he is handling things. I know he was elected mostly because he is black. Now please dont take offense to my using that instead of "African American" because I am old school. I still call the Indians Indians. They were the real rulers of this place and we took that away... I know they deserve to be called the politically correct term... but I am so far from being politically correct or fashionable... so I will state what I feel is what I want to say. I will not use the N word. I have no respect for that word nor to I consider it a word in my dictionary (brain). My kids dont use the word and were not brought up to use it.
Now on to the good stuff.
Dear Mr President,
My my my how you have aged in this short few years. I know you watched Bush and thought it would be childs play and this would not happen to you but it has. So from a womans point of view, here are some words of advice, free of charge, from a single mom to "the person running my country".
Please step back and take a look at what you are doing. I am not blaming you for any downfalls, recessions or anything of the sort. But please do remember what you promised when you were running to get all of the black people and democrats to believe enough in you to vote for you... a man who had no clue what was in store.
I know the Presidency looks pretty from the outside, but it is not. It is snot. ha. sorry I had to throw that in there. Anyways. You have just found out what all the BS & hoopla was about when they all wanted Bush out. I liked Bush. I may be a little bias because I met his daddy and Regan many years ago. I was of course like 8 years old and its a blur, I just know I seen them in person...
I would like to think of myself as and Independent but my x has told me differently because I do not believe in you. However this does not change my opinion.
I am a single mom. Have been for the better part of 16 (almost 17) years. I value my country. I take pride in this place. I think that anyone who doesnt like it deserves a one way ticket out... because I would like to see them find a better place where they can sell drugs, murder people and abuse our children and get away with it like they can here!
But this is not why I am writing you a Dear Mr Prez letter. My main concerns Im sure are like many others. I worry every night when I go to bed about children being kidnapped, murdered and abused. I wonder every day what idiot made up the welfare laws. And last but not least (by any means) I want to bitch slap the man, yes I said man, who came up with the child support crap! Please do not take offense but you guys up there are not doing a hot job on any of these things.
So here are my opinions on what should be done to improve these 3 situations, if you dont mind me stepping on toes for a second...
First and most importantly - our children being abused, starved, killed and molested. Mr Prez, please please please put these people away for life. I know that sometimes people dont get the time they deserve but good lord these are our babies. They are our future leaders. If this is all we can give them then why not castrate every man and tie the tubes of every woman. We should not be burdened with sheltering our children so bad when life is hard enough as it is...
Second - the wretched welfare system. I am appalled at how easy it is to manipulate the system. I do not, have not, nor do I have any interest in doing it but I cannot tell you how many people I know that know someone who is... and will keep doing it unless it is stopped. My advice (thanks for listening) is drug screens, monthly surprise checks and a little accountability. The people on welfare should have to take a parenting class and budgeting class. If they dont get better with money over a 3 month period... then reteach them and take away some of their benefits. If you are able to walk or drive, you are able to work. If you are able to smoke crack, marijuana or cigarettes, you are able to work. If you can sleep around and keep having babies... then you are able to work!!!
Last but not least - this wretched child support system. It is insane, it is stupid and it is very faulty. I think an absent parent should be responsible for insurance for the child. The custodial parent can pay the copays and half of what the insurance doesnt cover (and insurance companies should be able to send a split bill). I think the custodial parent should be given the child support granted at the hearing, no matter what. The non custodial parent should be responsible to the government for paying it all back. If the government gave out this money like it is suppose to be given, less people would be on welfare. Absent parents wouldnt be running because when the government wants their money (like the IRS) they have no problem getting it! So bank accounts or debit cards should be set up for the custodial parent that the money is sent to monthly, the absent parent gets a bill from Uncle Sam & has to pay it. If a parent that is absent refuses to pay it, then they can sit in jail until they get fed up with being treated like a criminal. The kids that they abandon didnt do anything to not be able to eat or play sports. Had my x been paying his support, I would not have lost my home, the 1st one I bought, the one I bought on my own with no ones help. And I would not have lost my car, the one I bought on my own with no ones help.
I am a proud single mom. I choose to be single. I have been in a few relationships, been married and its just not something I want to do because a lot of people dont understand my kids coming first. Some dont even understand what its like to be a single parent. I know everyone has had their troubles in life and I dont cheapen their experiences at all... but I think congress should put our kids first and give a little to the parents who are there and dont abandon their children or take the easy way out and keep having more kids to abandon.
Thanks for listening... oh and I also think single parents should be taught budgeting also. Couponing is also something to teach and make available to everyone, it is a very humbling experience and my kids like to stand there and see when we save $200 on a grocery bill!
Thanks and good luck til the next Prez comes along,
Sincerely,
A Single Mom
Can you email the President and tell him really what is on your mind (without being investigated! lol)?
I am curious of this. I didnt vote for him, so I cant bitch. However, I have many opinions so I feel I should share them with him. Not to be mean but just give him some ideas... cuz apparently congress is not doing such a hot job.
I know Im a woman, not many men will listen to us but I believe Im a smart woman. I believe I have experienced enough in life (short of going to war) to have that right to speak against what is going on in my country.
I do not agree with how he is handling things. I know he was elected mostly because he is black. Now please dont take offense to my using that instead of "African American" because I am old school. I still call the Indians Indians. They were the real rulers of this place and we took that away... I know they deserve to be called the politically correct term... but I am so far from being politically correct or fashionable... so I will state what I feel is what I want to say. I will not use the N word. I have no respect for that word nor to I consider it a word in my dictionary (brain). My kids dont use the word and were not brought up to use it.
Now on to the good stuff.
Dear Mr President,
My my my how you have aged in this short few years. I know you watched Bush and thought it would be childs play and this would not happen to you but it has. So from a womans point of view, here are some words of advice, free of charge, from a single mom to "the person running my country".
Please step back and take a look at what you are doing. I am not blaming you for any downfalls, recessions or anything of the sort. But please do remember what you promised when you were running to get all of the black people and democrats to believe enough in you to vote for you... a man who had no clue what was in store.
I know the Presidency looks pretty from the outside, but it is not. It is snot. ha. sorry I had to throw that in there. Anyways. You have just found out what all the BS & hoopla was about when they all wanted Bush out. I liked Bush. I may be a little bias because I met his daddy and Regan many years ago. I was of course like 8 years old and its a blur, I just know I seen them in person...
I would like to think of myself as and Independent but my x has told me differently because I do not believe in you. However this does not change my opinion.
I am a single mom. Have been for the better part of 16 (almost 17) years. I value my country. I take pride in this place. I think that anyone who doesnt like it deserves a one way ticket out... because I would like to see them find a better place where they can sell drugs, murder people and abuse our children and get away with it like they can here!
But this is not why I am writing you a Dear Mr Prez letter. My main concerns Im sure are like many others. I worry every night when I go to bed about children being kidnapped, murdered and abused. I wonder every day what idiot made up the welfare laws. And last but not least (by any means) I want to bitch slap the man, yes I said man, who came up with the child support crap! Please do not take offense but you guys up there are not doing a hot job on any of these things.
So here are my opinions on what should be done to improve these 3 situations, if you dont mind me stepping on toes for a second...
First and most importantly - our children being abused, starved, killed and molested. Mr Prez, please please please put these people away for life. I know that sometimes people dont get the time they deserve but good lord these are our babies. They are our future leaders. If this is all we can give them then why not castrate every man and tie the tubes of every woman. We should not be burdened with sheltering our children so bad when life is hard enough as it is...
Second - the wretched welfare system. I am appalled at how easy it is to manipulate the system. I do not, have not, nor do I have any interest in doing it but I cannot tell you how many people I know that know someone who is... and will keep doing it unless it is stopped. My advice (thanks for listening) is drug screens, monthly surprise checks and a little accountability. The people on welfare should have to take a parenting class and budgeting class. If they dont get better with money over a 3 month period... then reteach them and take away some of their benefits. If you are able to walk or drive, you are able to work. If you are able to smoke crack, marijuana or cigarettes, you are able to work. If you can sleep around and keep having babies... then you are able to work!!!
Last but not least - this wretched child support system. It is insane, it is stupid and it is very faulty. I think an absent parent should be responsible for insurance for the child. The custodial parent can pay the copays and half of what the insurance doesnt cover (and insurance companies should be able to send a split bill). I think the custodial parent should be given the child support granted at the hearing, no matter what. The non custodial parent should be responsible to the government for paying it all back. If the government gave out this money like it is suppose to be given, less people would be on welfare. Absent parents wouldnt be running because when the government wants their money (like the IRS) they have no problem getting it! So bank accounts or debit cards should be set up for the custodial parent that the money is sent to monthly, the absent parent gets a bill from Uncle Sam & has to pay it. If a parent that is absent refuses to pay it, then they can sit in jail until they get fed up with being treated like a criminal. The kids that they abandon didnt do anything to not be able to eat or play sports. Had my x been paying his support, I would not have lost my home, the 1st one I bought, the one I bought on my own with no ones help. And I would not have lost my car, the one I bought on my own with no ones help.
I am a proud single mom. I choose to be single. I have been in a few relationships, been married and its just not something I want to do because a lot of people dont understand my kids coming first. Some dont even understand what its like to be a single parent. I know everyone has had their troubles in life and I dont cheapen their experiences at all... but I think congress should put our kids first and give a little to the parents who are there and dont abandon their children or take the easy way out and keep having more kids to abandon.
Thanks for listening... oh and I also think single parents should be taught budgeting also. Couponing is also something to teach and make available to everyone, it is a very humbling experience and my kids like to stand there and see when we save $200 on a grocery bill!
Thanks and good luck til the next Prez comes along,
Sincerely,
A Single Mom
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thank you for not smoking... whatever!
So this image that I seen years ago has stuck in my head.
I dont know why. I think it is sexy. Its not that I think smoking is sexy. The picture to me is just sexy. I was a smoker for many years... I cannot even tell you how many years. I have quits smoking. I quit when we moved into our new house. My boys have been begging me for years. I dont smoke around them and never made excuses for my smoking. However, when we moved, I just got sick of smoking (as if moving wasnt enough stress for me!!!).
Before deciding to quit, I cut down quite a bit. I would smoke in the morning on the way to work, on the way home, usually after dinner and one before bed. I was not a pack a day or a two pack a day smoker... but that 4 was enough to still cost me money!
Upon quitting, I alerted no one. I did not want to have to answer if I failed. After all I was doing this for me, not anyone else. I quit on Sept 5th, 2010. This has been the longest process of anything! The first week was by far the easiest time... after that it was a pain in the ass! I hated everyone! I wanted to ram my truck into every idiot Ohio driver I passed! After a bit I went to my dr and told her she was going to have to put me on some kind of meds... not only for the smoking but for my ADD. My son alerted me one fine Sat afternoon that I had 4 projects going... as I was starting another!!!
She started me on prozac... yes I know, that is the oldest med in the world lol. I took that for several months... until one day I realized how drowsy it made me. Everyday I was so tired when I was at work, tired when I got home and would often take a nap after work! I am not a napper by any means! So I had her put me on something else. She decided welbutrin would be best for the ADD symptoms. And it is. I love it. It has cleared my mind and my sleepy head symptoms.
I am not a pill person. I can take a vicodin on Monday and be good til Thurs or Fri but it does knock me out lol. Having to take a med every day is the most tedious thing! I do not know how our patients take all the meds they have! I have issues just taking the one little pill I have.
So back to the smoking. I have quit. I have cheated. The first time being Dec 28th. My sis in law gave me a bottle of wine after I dropped my nephew off. It was delish! And Im not a wine drinking kind of girl... and I know when I drink wine I have to smoke. So I stopped and got a pack... and I smoked 2 and finished the wine lol. The second time being Jan 1st. My x bf texted me, it was his bday, and he wanted me to come have a few beers with him. I had avoided drinking any beer due to the fact that I had known I would smoke... and especially at a bar where they allow smoking!! I finished the pack with the help of some seats near me. Now I have not cheated until then until the last week.
I am under so much stress... it is killing me. I catch myself taking it out on my boys and that is not fair. So after I send them off to bed, I sneak one. Not every night but maybe 2-3 times in the last week. I have a stash left over from a few weekends ago so why not use them up!? I have missed smoking so immensely that I dream about it! It is making me want to be an alcoholic just so I can smoke!
After I quit in Sept, I started having the oddest cravings for guacamole and pepsi!!! To the point that I will get up and go to the store no matter what I am doing. I have pretty much gotten the guacamole craving under control but not the pepsi... it is going to kill me! I am pretty sure just like McDonalds, they have been putting crack in my pepsi! My fav pop is diet dr pepper, I do love me some pepsi but it is not anything near my love for ddp.
So how do I nip this in the bud, get myself off the pop fix and get myself leveled off! I just cannot quit cold turkey like I did with the smokes. I get these ravishing headaches that send me into the worst mood! It makes me almost feel like I did once when they put me on steroids to get rid of the poison ivy infesting my blood stream. I had to take my kids over to my moms because I got so angry. And on the way there I just kept getting the urge to punch my windshield. This is serious stuff! How do the body builders keep from strangling someone when they are doing steroids? I just do not get it. I cannot trade in one addiction for another... unless it is trading it in for getting the stuff done in my house that needs done!
So I thank the no smoking gods for allowing me the ability to stop (for the most part) and do not thank the pepsi gods for making me want pepsi... I must go now, Im at work... and apparently this headache will not go away until I go get a flipping pepsi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont know why. I think it is sexy. Its not that I think smoking is sexy. The picture to me is just sexy. I was a smoker for many years... I cannot even tell you how many years. I have quits smoking. I quit when we moved into our new house. My boys have been begging me for years. I dont smoke around them and never made excuses for my smoking. However, when we moved, I just got sick of smoking (as if moving wasnt enough stress for me!!!).
Before deciding to quit, I cut down quite a bit. I would smoke in the morning on the way to work, on the way home, usually after dinner and one before bed. I was not a pack a day or a two pack a day smoker... but that 4 was enough to still cost me money!
Upon quitting, I alerted no one. I did not want to have to answer if I failed. After all I was doing this for me, not anyone else. I quit on Sept 5th, 2010. This has been the longest process of anything! The first week was by far the easiest time... after that it was a pain in the ass! I hated everyone! I wanted to ram my truck into every idiot Ohio driver I passed! After a bit I went to my dr and told her she was going to have to put me on some kind of meds... not only for the smoking but for my ADD. My son alerted me one fine Sat afternoon that I had 4 projects going... as I was starting another!!!
She started me on prozac... yes I know, that is the oldest med in the world lol. I took that for several months... until one day I realized how drowsy it made me. Everyday I was so tired when I was at work, tired when I got home and would often take a nap after work! I am not a napper by any means! So I had her put me on something else. She decided welbutrin would be best for the ADD symptoms. And it is. I love it. It has cleared my mind and my sleepy head symptoms.
I am not a pill person. I can take a vicodin on Monday and be good til Thurs or Fri but it does knock me out lol. Having to take a med every day is the most tedious thing! I do not know how our patients take all the meds they have! I have issues just taking the one little pill I have.
So back to the smoking. I have quit. I have cheated. The first time being Dec 28th. My sis in law gave me a bottle of wine after I dropped my nephew off. It was delish! And Im not a wine drinking kind of girl... and I know when I drink wine I have to smoke. So I stopped and got a pack... and I smoked 2 and finished the wine lol. The second time being Jan 1st. My x bf texted me, it was his bday, and he wanted me to come have a few beers with him. I had avoided drinking any beer due to the fact that I had known I would smoke... and especially at a bar where they allow smoking!! I finished the pack with the help of some seats near me. Now I have not cheated until then until the last week.
I am under so much stress... it is killing me. I catch myself taking it out on my boys and that is not fair. So after I send them off to bed, I sneak one. Not every night but maybe 2-3 times in the last week. I have a stash left over from a few weekends ago so why not use them up!? I have missed smoking so immensely that I dream about it! It is making me want to be an alcoholic just so I can smoke!
After I quit in Sept, I started having the oddest cravings for guacamole and pepsi!!! To the point that I will get up and go to the store no matter what I am doing. I have pretty much gotten the guacamole craving under control but not the pepsi... it is going to kill me! I am pretty sure just like McDonalds, they have been putting crack in my pepsi! My fav pop is diet dr pepper, I do love me some pepsi but it is not anything near my love for ddp.
So how do I nip this in the bud, get myself off the pop fix and get myself leveled off! I just cannot quit cold turkey like I did with the smokes. I get these ravishing headaches that send me into the worst mood! It makes me almost feel like I did once when they put me on steroids to get rid of the poison ivy infesting my blood stream. I had to take my kids over to my moms because I got so angry. And on the way there I just kept getting the urge to punch my windshield. This is serious stuff! How do the body builders keep from strangling someone when they are doing steroids? I just do not get it. I cannot trade in one addiction for another... unless it is trading it in for getting the stuff done in my house that needs done!
So I thank the no smoking gods for allowing me the ability to stop (for the most part) and do not thank the pepsi gods for making me want pepsi... I must go now, Im at work... and apparently this headache will not go away until I go get a flipping pepsi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Dream a Little Dream
I have dreams but I dont think I have goals.
I know what I want to do with my life... but no idea how to get there or achieve it.
Since I was a little girl, growing up in South Dakota, I wanted to be a detective. I got my Associates in 2008 in Criminal Justice. I wanted to go back to school to get my Bachelors in Computer/Cyber Crime Investigations. After working at the Dr's office for almost 2 years. I believe I want to change my goal. No idea what it would be called besides fraud investigator but here goes... these are the things I want to do when I grow up and get the job of my dreams.
I want to investigate welfare fraud and child abuse.
I want to be the person who busts the bad guys for trying to lure our young kids online.
I want to be the single mom who invents a program that the government supports that has a system to get our welfare parents off welfare.
There should be a system (something similar to this) that instead of paying food stamps, insurance, housing, etc... we should be teaching these parents how to budget their money. How to clip coupons and learn to use them to get the best deals. We should give the single parents the child support they are "owed"/granted by the state. Instead of making them hope they get a check that month, it should be sent. In the end, instead of paying them in food stamps, TANF, etc the gov should send that check. The absent parent should be held accountable for owing that money back to the government instead of the parent who is busting their ass to make ends meet, missing that quality time with their kids because they have to hold down 2 jobs just to pay necessities (rent, car, insurance, food, etc).
Had this kind of program been around, I would not have lost my home that I purchased all by myself, nor my car. I never would have had to move in with my mother or depend on someone else to help me with money since I could not find a job for a year due to being a stay at home mom, going to school fulltime, babysitting during the day and having my own business on Ebay. According to some, since I didnt work for a year, no matter what I was busy doing in that time period, it looked bad on my resume. No, I do not blame all of those things on someone else. I am an adult and I should have kept a stash for situations such as those. My x worked an awesome job and I was able to quit my miserable job (that caused me to have carpal tunnel in both hands) and stay home with all of our kids (he had 3 girls, and I had 3 boys) and to be able to pursue my education.
I have never wanted to carry a gun when I was a detective, I just wanted to bust the bad guys and not have to deal with them. In some senses I feel myself being pulled towards Social Worker but in the same breath, Im afraid I would turn into Dexter when a case with an abused/neglected child got put on my desk. I would not be able to keep my cool or not do something about it!
I want a peaceful world. I want people to be safe. I want single parents to not suffer. I want kids to have all the things they deserve. I think a parent should be drug screened on a regular basis if they are getting any type of funds from the government. If you do not pass, your money goes into an escrow fund. If you are out drinking every night instead of home with your kids, I want to be the person that stakes you out and gets to turn you in. I want to find you on facebook with all the pics of the "parties" you have went to. I want to be the woman who wears the "S" on my chest and makes a difference.
I am afraid to no avail I will not get to be that woman. I dont want this for myself or my psyche. I want this so that when I go to bed at night, I dont have to worry or think of what awful things someone elses child is suffering because of... lack of good parenting, both parents being in their lives, seeing domestic violence, being molested... and the list goes on. My heart breaks every night to know there are kids out there suffering.
Sometimes I feel like a bad parent because I cannot provide everything my kids want. But then I stop and I think, my kids are healthy. They are happy. They have the basic necessities. When/if the day comes that I cannot do that, I know that I have a good family who will be there for me and have encouraging words for me. I know that not everyone has that and I want to be able to ease a single parents mind at night. I dont want them to have to stay awake with so many worries every night. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had where I lay in bed every night and wonder how am I going to pay rent this month, how am I going to squeeze the money for gas next week... I can lay there for 4-5 hours with no inkling of sleep coming.
My life is not bad... I have had my rough patches, my ups and downs. I have had people take advantage of me and screw me over. I have had to deal with domestic violence, men who hate my kids because they come first, people who think I dont do what I should as a parent. When this stuff starts to get me down, the only thing I have to remember is not one person out there who "criticizes" me has ever walked a day in my shoes, seen life from my eyes, held my sons hand before surgery, seen the tears when someone they love dies, comforted them when they were sick...
For the parents out there who are not the parent you should be (yeah you know the ones who would rather get laid than parent, would rather drink all night than be a parent, push your kids off on anyone who will take them, spend all your money on drugs instead of necessities for your kids), this message is for you:
Shame on you for taking yourself from your child. No one has the right to make that choice but that child. You should get your crap together, realize that kid needs you. Get your head out of your ass and do what you are suppose to do for those little people who learn everything from you and how you let people treat them! Stand up and do what is right. Pay your child support. Be there when your kids need you! For petes sake, you are only making them suffer. The parent who is there for them, is not suffering. Yeah it might be rough. It might get tough and make us angry... but at the end of the day, my neck is the one they hug, my lips are the ones they kiss, my heart is the one they make happy and my mind is the one at ease because I know I am doing what I can to make great people who will one day make a difference in this world!
So how do you like the fact that I have such an ADD scattered brain that I cannot even stick to one thing to write about... oh well, its late, my mind has purged for the night and I think that I will fall asleep when my head hits the pillow!
If you are a single parent, my heart goes out to you. Do not lose site of what you want, do not lose that love for others. Dont let the tough times make you too bitter... I am learning this all the hard way. I am labeled as the ice princess... but I think deep down Im a big sap, I just dont show it! Good night...
I know what I want to do with my life... but no idea how to get there or achieve it.
Since I was a little girl, growing up in South Dakota, I wanted to be a detective. I got my Associates in 2008 in Criminal Justice. I wanted to go back to school to get my Bachelors in Computer/Cyber Crime Investigations. After working at the Dr's office for almost 2 years. I believe I want to change my goal. No idea what it would be called besides fraud investigator but here goes... these are the things I want to do when I grow up and get the job of my dreams.
I want to investigate welfare fraud and child abuse.
I want to be the person who busts the bad guys for trying to lure our young kids online.
I want to be the single mom who invents a program that the government supports that has a system to get our welfare parents off welfare.
There should be a system (something similar to this) that instead of paying food stamps, insurance, housing, etc... we should be teaching these parents how to budget their money. How to clip coupons and learn to use them to get the best deals. We should give the single parents the child support they are "owed"/granted by the state. Instead of making them hope they get a check that month, it should be sent. In the end, instead of paying them in food stamps, TANF, etc the gov should send that check. The absent parent should be held accountable for owing that money back to the government instead of the parent who is busting their ass to make ends meet, missing that quality time with their kids because they have to hold down 2 jobs just to pay necessities (rent, car, insurance, food, etc).
Had this kind of program been around, I would not have lost my home that I purchased all by myself, nor my car. I never would have had to move in with my mother or depend on someone else to help me with money since I could not find a job for a year due to being a stay at home mom, going to school fulltime, babysitting during the day and having my own business on Ebay. According to some, since I didnt work for a year, no matter what I was busy doing in that time period, it looked bad on my resume. No, I do not blame all of those things on someone else. I am an adult and I should have kept a stash for situations such as those. My x worked an awesome job and I was able to quit my miserable job (that caused me to have carpal tunnel in both hands) and stay home with all of our kids (he had 3 girls, and I had 3 boys) and to be able to pursue my education.
I have never wanted to carry a gun when I was a detective, I just wanted to bust the bad guys and not have to deal with them. In some senses I feel myself being pulled towards Social Worker but in the same breath, Im afraid I would turn into Dexter when a case with an abused/neglected child got put on my desk. I would not be able to keep my cool or not do something about it!
I want a peaceful world. I want people to be safe. I want single parents to not suffer. I want kids to have all the things they deserve. I think a parent should be drug screened on a regular basis if they are getting any type of funds from the government. If you do not pass, your money goes into an escrow fund. If you are out drinking every night instead of home with your kids, I want to be the person that stakes you out and gets to turn you in. I want to find you on facebook with all the pics of the "parties" you have went to. I want to be the woman who wears the "S" on my chest and makes a difference.
I am afraid to no avail I will not get to be that woman. I dont want this for myself or my psyche. I want this so that when I go to bed at night, I dont have to worry or think of what awful things someone elses child is suffering because of... lack of good parenting, both parents being in their lives, seeing domestic violence, being molested... and the list goes on. My heart breaks every night to know there are kids out there suffering.
Sometimes I feel like a bad parent because I cannot provide everything my kids want. But then I stop and I think, my kids are healthy. They are happy. They have the basic necessities. When/if the day comes that I cannot do that, I know that I have a good family who will be there for me and have encouraging words for me. I know that not everyone has that and I want to be able to ease a single parents mind at night. I dont want them to have to stay awake with so many worries every night. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had where I lay in bed every night and wonder how am I going to pay rent this month, how am I going to squeeze the money for gas next week... I can lay there for 4-5 hours with no inkling of sleep coming.
My life is not bad... I have had my rough patches, my ups and downs. I have had people take advantage of me and screw me over. I have had to deal with domestic violence, men who hate my kids because they come first, people who think I dont do what I should as a parent. When this stuff starts to get me down, the only thing I have to remember is not one person out there who "criticizes" me has ever walked a day in my shoes, seen life from my eyes, held my sons hand before surgery, seen the tears when someone they love dies, comforted them when they were sick...
For the parents out there who are not the parent you should be (yeah you know the ones who would rather get laid than parent, would rather drink all night than be a parent, push your kids off on anyone who will take them, spend all your money on drugs instead of necessities for your kids), this message is for you:
Shame on you for taking yourself from your child. No one has the right to make that choice but that child. You should get your crap together, realize that kid needs you. Get your head out of your ass and do what you are suppose to do for those little people who learn everything from you and how you let people treat them! Stand up and do what is right. Pay your child support. Be there when your kids need you! For petes sake, you are only making them suffer. The parent who is there for them, is not suffering. Yeah it might be rough. It might get tough and make us angry... but at the end of the day, my neck is the one they hug, my lips are the ones they kiss, my heart is the one they make happy and my mind is the one at ease because I know I am doing what I can to make great people who will one day make a difference in this world!
So how do you like the fact that I have such an ADD scattered brain that I cannot even stick to one thing to write about... oh well, its late, my mind has purged for the night and I think that I will fall asleep when my head hits the pillow!
If you are a single parent, my heart goes out to you. Do not lose site of what you want, do not lose that love for others. Dont let the tough times make you too bitter... I am learning this all the hard way. I am labeled as the ice princess... but I think deep down Im a big sap, I just dont show it! Good night...
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Years Eve... am I wrong??? lol
So my kids secretly thought they were going to get out of spending NYE with me! How dare they! We have always spent it together... there was only one NYE that I was not with them and that was because I was attempting to leave my x husbands at the time and my sis came and got my kids for a week.
My kids do not understand why I do this every year. I have never wanted to be out on NYE. People are crazy. They do stupid things. I would prefer to be home with my babies and no drama and no bs! So we hang out, watch tv, play games, computers... whatever! I just want it to be a fun relaxing night. I dont care if others are there, I just want to be home with my kids to bring in the new year. They have acted like it is the most imposing thing I ask for! Apparently I should just go ahead and get a gun to hold to their heads! Sheez! And they are boys! It was almost as dramatic as having teenage girls lol.
I want my kid to understand when they are older, nothing is better than being with the people you love to bring in the new year! When they have kids, I want them to be home with them and play games and just hang out. Being out there on "holiday" nights is dangerous. I just feel there is more of a risk on those nights then regular ones. Especially with NYE. Holiday stress can make people do crazy things, but after holiday stress with make them do stupider things!
Plus it gives me a great excuse for not having to be out and around crazies... no one ever bitches to me when I say "Oh I cant, I always hang out at home with my kids for NYE"! So I got to thinking... my boys are 15 & 13 (2) what am I going to do when they graduate and move??? I will have no excuse... maybe I should adopt! lol
My kids do not understand why I do this every year. I have never wanted to be out on NYE. People are crazy. They do stupid things. I would prefer to be home with my babies and no drama and no bs! So we hang out, watch tv, play games, computers... whatever! I just want it to be a fun relaxing night. I dont care if others are there, I just want to be home with my kids to bring in the new year. They have acted like it is the most imposing thing I ask for! Apparently I should just go ahead and get a gun to hold to their heads! Sheez! And they are boys! It was almost as dramatic as having teenage girls lol.
I want my kid to understand when they are older, nothing is better than being with the people you love to bring in the new year! When they have kids, I want them to be home with them and play games and just hang out. Being out there on "holiday" nights is dangerous. I just feel there is more of a risk on those nights then regular ones. Especially with NYE. Holiday stress can make people do crazy things, but after holiday stress with make them do stupider things!
Plus it gives me a great excuse for not having to be out and around crazies... no one ever bitches to me when I say "Oh I cant, I always hang out at home with my kids for NYE"! So I got to thinking... my boys are 15 & 13 (2) what am I going to do when they graduate and move??? I will have no excuse... maybe I should adopt! lol
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Unanswered Prayers
My text went off this morning about 45 mins after the kids had all left for school while I was getting ready for work. I frantically was afraid something happened to one of my kids since they had all just left.
I check it, it was my sister. She said "Im suppose to publish my prayer. Ive been praying for money".
Me not being catholic had no idea what this would mean or why you are suppose to publish your prayer. So I told her I would put it on my blog and that would be publishing it... however I think only one person reads these, but thats ok, shes close enough to God so he can hear it too =)
But it all got me thinking... I am not a really religious person. I dont go to church. There is so much in my past that just brings me to not be able to believe in certain things. I love God. I believe in God. I do not believe that I have to go be around a bunch of people I dont know, who may mostly be hypocrites to talk to God. I have felt this way for a long long time. Especially after seeing/knowing things my mom has been through, things my dad has done... I just started to lose my faith a bit. I have never faltered on believing in God, just the system that seems to come along with what people think and say is the proper way to be a Christian. Maybe I should state it more like I lost my belief in people.
My life has not been easy. I had a fantastic childhood, aside from a few hiccups, it was good. My parents all loved me. My family is tremendous. But as a "big person" after I graduated high school... maybe even before I graduated - I made some bad decisions. I have thought a lot about those decisions lately and what possibly could have been done differently. But then when I think about what if that happened or what is that didnt happen, it makes me sad.
I believe that everything I have gone through in my life has been for a reason. The last few years in particular. Its been rough. Ive lost a lot, gained little... and seemed to have misplaced my spirit somewhere along the way. I cant seem to shake the funk that it put me in. I dont go out much, I hate to be around people. I dread the thought of having to really socialize! How awful is that? I honestly believe I could be a hermit if I didnt have to work to support my kids and myself and those naughty dogs and adorable kitties.
I think back on things and remember things I prayed so hard for... or some relief of something. And never heard anything. God didnt seem to come through when I needed him or even give me a sign that he cared. I struggled with this for a while. Didnt think I could wrap my head around several things that I faced. So many people have said "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". Well, he needs to stop trusting me and thinking I can handle it all on my own. I fall down. I get back up. I stumble a few times, then I find my footing and weeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeee I take off... just to end up back where I was right before I fell the last time.
So I got to really really thinking about this the other day when I was at B's wrestling match. Maybe it isnt that God isnt answering my prayers, maybe it is that he is waiting for me to realize that he doesnt need to answer them for me to be happy. I have my kids, my health, my kids are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, I have a job... and well the rest doesnt really seem to matter that much anymore. After I lay it all out there and really take a look at it, maybe its for the better that I struggle. Maybe he knows that if I didnt I would end up taking it all for granted. I dont think I should be trusted as much as he is trusting me with this stuff tho. My psyche is off wack. Im thankful I took psychology so I can have an inkling of an idea on how to recognize when Im about to fully go over the edge... if not I may end up an alcoholic or a drug abuser. There is potential there... I think for anyone to slip that far down. Luckily I have been around it all enough to know that is not what I want in my life or need. And neither do my kids.
Maybe there should be a law that a handbook should be given out at birth. It would have to be very durable. And people would have to be forced to read it at an early age but certain chapters should be locked until you come upon those times in your life when it will really mean something when you read it. Times when things are hard and you think you cant take another step. Times when you have hit your head on the same rock over and over... and still get no clue as to how to go around the rock.
No matter what religion someone is... I dont think prayers should be published. I think they should be like making a birthday wish, or wishing on a shooting star, or wishing on the brightest star... there are just some things that should be between you and God... or whoever you believe in. As I write this I have a feeling a major life changing something will be happening in my future. I dont know what. I dont know when. I dont know how... but what I do know is that I will be ready for it. No matter what it is. I know that all the falling down I have done has caused my skinned knees to make my brain work differently. I have realized that I dont need someone to hold my heart or my hand in times when I think I need someone. I just need my own strength and my belief that somehow, someway, he does hear me and does what he thinks is best for me in my situation. And regardless if I believe what everyone else does or not, he is still there......
I check it, it was my sister. She said "Im suppose to publish my prayer. Ive been praying for money".
Me not being catholic had no idea what this would mean or why you are suppose to publish your prayer. So I told her I would put it on my blog and that would be publishing it... however I think only one person reads these, but thats ok, shes close enough to God so he can hear it too =)
But it all got me thinking... I am not a really religious person. I dont go to church. There is so much in my past that just brings me to not be able to believe in certain things. I love God. I believe in God. I do not believe that I have to go be around a bunch of people I dont know, who may mostly be hypocrites to talk to God. I have felt this way for a long long time. Especially after seeing/knowing things my mom has been through, things my dad has done... I just started to lose my faith a bit. I have never faltered on believing in God, just the system that seems to come along with what people think and say is the proper way to be a Christian. Maybe I should state it more like I lost my belief in people.
My life has not been easy. I had a fantastic childhood, aside from a few hiccups, it was good. My parents all loved me. My family is tremendous. But as a "big person" after I graduated high school... maybe even before I graduated - I made some bad decisions. I have thought a lot about those decisions lately and what possibly could have been done differently. But then when I think about what if that happened or what is that didnt happen, it makes me sad.
I believe that everything I have gone through in my life has been for a reason. The last few years in particular. Its been rough. Ive lost a lot, gained little... and seemed to have misplaced my spirit somewhere along the way. I cant seem to shake the funk that it put me in. I dont go out much, I hate to be around people. I dread the thought of having to really socialize! How awful is that? I honestly believe I could be a hermit if I didnt have to work to support my kids and myself and those naughty dogs and adorable kitties.
I think back on things and remember things I prayed so hard for... or some relief of something. And never heard anything. God didnt seem to come through when I needed him or even give me a sign that he cared. I struggled with this for a while. Didnt think I could wrap my head around several things that I faced. So many people have said "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". Well, he needs to stop trusting me and thinking I can handle it all on my own. I fall down. I get back up. I stumble a few times, then I find my footing and weeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeee I take off... just to end up back where I was right before I fell the last time.
So I got to really really thinking about this the other day when I was at B's wrestling match. Maybe it isnt that God isnt answering my prayers, maybe it is that he is waiting for me to realize that he doesnt need to answer them for me to be happy. I have my kids, my health, my kids are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, I have a job... and well the rest doesnt really seem to matter that much anymore. After I lay it all out there and really take a look at it, maybe its for the better that I struggle. Maybe he knows that if I didnt I would end up taking it all for granted. I dont think I should be trusted as much as he is trusting me with this stuff tho. My psyche is off wack. Im thankful I took psychology so I can have an inkling of an idea on how to recognize when Im about to fully go over the edge... if not I may end up an alcoholic or a drug abuser. There is potential there... I think for anyone to slip that far down. Luckily I have been around it all enough to know that is not what I want in my life or need. And neither do my kids.
Maybe there should be a law that a handbook should be given out at birth. It would have to be very durable. And people would have to be forced to read it at an early age but certain chapters should be locked until you come upon those times in your life when it will really mean something when you read it. Times when things are hard and you think you cant take another step. Times when you have hit your head on the same rock over and over... and still get no clue as to how to go around the rock.
No matter what religion someone is... I dont think prayers should be published. I think they should be like making a birthday wish, or wishing on a shooting star, or wishing on the brightest star... there are just some things that should be between you and God... or whoever you believe in. As I write this I have a feeling a major life changing something will be happening in my future. I dont know what. I dont know when. I dont know how... but what I do know is that I will be ready for it. No matter what it is. I know that all the falling down I have done has caused my skinned knees to make my brain work differently. I have realized that I dont need someone to hold my heart or my hand in times when I think I need someone. I just need my own strength and my belief that somehow, someway, he does hear me and does what he thinks is best for me in my situation. And regardless if I believe what everyone else does or not, he is still there......
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Weeeee look what I can do!!!
Ok, I am not a professional by any means but since I am a single mom, I will have to pretend that I am. I do not get paid for the things I do but would gladly accept donations =) (joke)
So we moved into our new little humble abode... this will be our forever home. I refuse to ever move again. And by the time the kids move out, I will pretty much have it paid off! I am renting for now. Until Sept 2011 then I will buy. I will once again be a home owner, I need to find my sanity and ability to save money by then!
But back to the house... there is no space... and I mean NO SPACE for storage! I decided to make shelves built in to the walls! Again, I am just pretending to be a professional when I am at home.
This is the before picture:
And so... now begins mydestruction errrr I mean construction lol.
This was next, this was when my kids were asking me if I was crazy...
Bwwwhhhhaaaahhhaaaaa
This was before I painted it. I am not finished with it, so I will stop here and post that tonight or tomorrow when I completed themess errrr I mean beautiful creation I have made!
So we moved into our new little humble abode... this will be our forever home. I refuse to ever move again. And by the time the kids move out, I will pretty much have it paid off! I am renting for now. Until Sept 2011 then I will buy. I will once again be a home owner, I need to find my sanity and ability to save money by then!
But back to the house... there is no space... and I mean NO SPACE for storage! I decided to make shelves built in to the walls! Again, I am just pretending to be a professional when I am at home.
This is the before picture:
And so... now begins my
This was next, this was when my kids were asking me if I was crazy...
Bwwwhhhhaaaahhhaaaaa
This was before I painted it. I am not finished with it, so I will stop here and post that tonight or tomorrow when I completed the
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