Unanswered Prayers

My text went off this morning about 45 mins after the kids had all left for school while I was getting ready for work. I frantically was afraid something happened to one of my kids since they had all just left.
I check it, it was my sister. She said "Im suppose to publish my prayer. Ive been praying for money".
Me not being catholic had no idea what this would mean or why you are suppose to publish your prayer. So I told her I would put it on my blog and that would be publishing it... however I think only one person reads these, but thats ok, shes close enough to God so he can hear it too =)

But it all got me thinking... I am not a really religious person. I dont go to church. There is so much in my past that just brings me to not be able to believe in certain things. I love God. I believe in God. I do not believe that I have to go be around a bunch of people I dont know, who may mostly be hypocrites to talk to God. I have felt this way for a long long time. Especially after seeing/knowing things my mom has been through, things my dad has done... I just started to lose my faith a bit. I have never faltered on believing in God, just the system that seems to come along with what people think and say is the proper way to be a Christian. Maybe I should state it more like I lost my belief in people.
My life has not been easy. I had a fantastic childhood, aside from a few hiccups, it was good. My parents all loved me. My family is tremendous. But as a "big person" after I graduated high school... maybe even before I graduated - I made some bad decisions. I have thought a lot about those decisions lately and what possibly could have been done differently. But then when I think about what if that happened or what is that didnt happen, it makes me sad.
I believe that everything I have gone through in my life has been for a reason. The last few years in particular. Its been rough. Ive lost a lot, gained little... and seemed to have misplaced my spirit somewhere along the way. I cant seem to shake the funk that it put me in. I dont go out much, I hate to be around people. I dread the thought of having to really socialize! How awful is that? I honestly believe I could be a hermit if I didnt have to work to support my kids and myself and those naughty dogs and adorable kitties.
I think back on things and remember things I prayed so hard for... or some relief of something. And never heard anything. God didnt seem to come through when I needed him or even give me a sign that he cared. I struggled with this for a while. Didnt think I could wrap my head around several things that I faced. So many people have said "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". Well, he needs to stop trusting me and thinking I can handle it all on my own. I fall down. I get back up. I stumble a few times, then I find my footing and weeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeee I take off... just to end up back where I was right before I fell the last time.
So I got to really really thinking about this the other day when I was at B's wrestling match. Maybe it isnt that God isnt answering my prayers, maybe it is that he is waiting for me to realize that he doesnt need to answer them for me to be happy. I have my kids, my health, my kids are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, I have a job... and well the rest doesnt really seem to matter that much anymore. After I lay it all out there and really take a look at it, maybe its for the better that I struggle. Maybe he knows that if I didnt I would end up taking it all for granted. I dont think I should be trusted as much as he is trusting me with this stuff tho. My psyche is off wack. Im thankful I took psychology so I can have an inkling of an idea on how to recognize when Im about to fully go over the edge... if not I may end up an alcoholic or a drug abuser. There is potential there... I think for anyone to slip that far down. Luckily I have been around it all enough to know that is not what I want in my life or need. And neither do my kids.
Maybe there should be a law that a handbook should be given out at birth. It would have to be very durable. And people would have to be forced to read it at an early age but certain chapters should be locked until you come upon those times in your life when it will really mean something when you read it. Times when things are hard and you think you cant take another step. Times when you have hit your head on the same rock over and over... and still get no clue as to how to go around the rock.
No matter what religion someone is... I dont think prayers should be published. I think they should be like making a birthday wish, or wishing on a shooting star, or wishing on the brightest star... there are just some things that should be between you and God... or whoever you believe in. As I write this I have a feeling a major life changing something will be happening in my future. I dont know what. I dont know when. I dont know how... but what I do know is that I will be ready for it. No matter what it is. I know that all the falling down I have done has caused my skinned knees to make my brain work differently. I have realized that I dont need someone to hold my heart or my hand in times when I think I need someone. I just need my own strength and my belief that somehow, someway, he does hear me and does what he thinks is best for me in my situation. And regardless if I believe what everyone else does or not, he is still there......