Thank you for not smoking... whatever!

So this image that I seen years ago has stuck in my head.


I dont know why. I think it is sexy. Its not that I think smoking is sexy. The picture to me is just sexy. I was a smoker for many years... I cannot even tell you how many years. I have quits smoking. I quit when we moved into our new house. My boys have been begging me for years. I dont smoke around them and never made excuses for my smoking. However, when we moved, I just got sick of smoking (as if moving wasnt enough stress for me!!!).

Before deciding to quit, I cut down quite a bit. I would smoke in the morning on the way to work, on the way home, usually after dinner and one before bed. I was not a pack a day or a two pack a day smoker... but that 4 was enough to still cost me money!

Upon quitting, I alerted no one. I did not want to have to answer if I failed. After all I was doing this for me, not anyone else. I quit on Sept 5th, 2010. This has been the longest process of anything! The first week was by far the easiest time... after that it was a pain in the ass! I hated everyone! I wanted to ram my truck into every idiot Ohio driver I passed! After a bit I went to my dr and told her she was going to have to put me on some kind of meds... not only for the smoking but for my ADD. My son alerted me one fine Sat afternoon that I had 4 projects going... as I was starting another!!!

She started me on prozac... yes I know, that is the oldest med in the world lol. I took that for several months... until one day I realized how drowsy it made me. Everyday I was so tired when I was at work, tired when I got home and would often take a nap after work! I am not a napper by any means! So I had her put me on something else. She decided welbutrin would be best for the ADD symptoms. And it is. I love it. It has cleared my mind and my sleepy head symptoms.

I am not a pill person. I can take a vicodin on Monday and be good til Thurs or Fri but it does knock me out lol. Having to take a med every day is the most tedious thing! I do not know how our patients take all the meds they have! I have issues just taking the one little pill I have.

So back to the smoking. I have quit. I have cheated. The first time being Dec 28th. My sis in law gave me a bottle of wine after I dropped my nephew off. It was delish! And Im not a wine drinking kind of girl... and I know when I drink wine I have to smoke. So I stopped and got a pack... and I smoked 2 and finished the wine lol. The second time being Jan 1st. My x bf texted me, it was his bday, and he wanted me to come have a few beers with him. I had avoided drinking any beer due to the fact that I had known I would smoke... and especially at a bar where they allow smoking!! I finished the pack with the help of some seats near me. Now I have not cheated until then until the last week.

I am under so much stress... it is killing me. I catch myself taking it out on my boys and that is not fair. So after I send them off to bed, I sneak one. Not every night but maybe 2-3 times in the last week. I have a stash left over from a few weekends ago so why not use them up!? I have missed smoking so immensely that I dream about it! It is making me want to be an alcoholic just so I can smoke!

After I quit in Sept, I started having the oddest cravings for guacamole and pepsi!!! To the point that I will get up and go to the store no matter what I am doing. I have pretty much gotten the guacamole craving under control but not the pepsi... it is going to kill me! I am pretty sure just like McDonalds, they have been putting crack in my pepsi! My fav pop is diet dr pepper, I do love me some pepsi but it is not anything near my love for ddp.

So how do I nip this in the bud, get myself off the pop fix and get myself leveled off! I just cannot quit cold turkey like I did with the smokes. I get these ravishing headaches that send me into the worst mood! It makes me almost feel like I did once when they put me on steroids to get rid of the poison ivy infesting my blood stream. I had to take my kids over to my moms because I got so angry. And on the way there I just kept getting the urge to punch my windshield. This is serious stuff! How do the body builders keep from strangling someone when they are doing steroids? I just do not get it. I cannot trade in one addiction for another... unless it is trading it in for getting the stuff done in my house that needs done!

So I thank the no smoking gods for allowing me the ability to stop (for the most part) and do not thank the pepsi gods for making me want pepsi... I must go now, Im at work... and apparently this headache will not go away until I go get a flipping pepsi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream a Little Dream

I have dreams but I dont think I have goals.
I know what I want to do with my life... but no idea how to get there or achieve it.
Since I was a little girl, growing up in South Dakota, I wanted to be a detective. I got my Associates in 2008 in Criminal Justice. I wanted to go back to school to get my Bachelors in Computer/Cyber Crime Investigations. After working at the Dr's office for almost 2 years. I believe I want to change my goal. No idea what it would be called besides fraud investigator but here goes... these are the things I want to do when I grow up and get the job of my dreams.
I want to investigate welfare fraud and child abuse.
I want to be the person who busts the bad guys for trying to lure our young kids online.
I want to be the single mom who invents a program that the government supports that has a system to get our welfare parents off welfare.
There should be a system (something similar to this) that instead of paying food stamps, insurance, housing, etc... we should be teaching these parents how to budget their money. How to clip coupons and learn to use them to get the best deals. We should give the single parents the child support they are "owed"/granted by the state. Instead of making them hope they get a check that month, it should be sent. In the end, instead of paying them in food stamps, TANF, etc the gov should send that check. The absent parent should be held accountable for owing that money back to the government instead of the parent who is busting their ass to make ends meet, missing that quality time with their kids because they have to hold down 2 jobs just to pay necessities (rent, car, insurance, food, etc).

Had this kind of program been around, I would not have lost my home that I purchased all by myself, nor my car. I never would have had to move in with my mother or depend on someone else to help me with money since I could not find a job for a year due to being a stay at home mom, going to school fulltime, babysitting during the day and having my own business on Ebay. According to some, since I didnt work for a year, no matter what I was busy doing in that time period, it looked bad on my resume. No, I do not blame all of those things on someone else. I am an adult and I should have kept a stash for situations such as those. My x worked an awesome job and I was able to quit my miserable job (that caused me to have carpal tunnel in both hands) and stay home with all of our kids (he had 3 girls, and I had 3 boys) and to be able to pursue my education.
I have never wanted to carry a gun when I was a detective, I just wanted to bust the bad guys and not have to deal with them. In some senses I feel myself being pulled towards Social Worker but in the same breath, Im afraid I would turn into Dexter when a case with an abused/neglected child got put on my desk. I would not be able to keep my cool or not do something about it!
I want a peaceful world. I want people to be safe. I want single parents to not suffer. I want kids to have all the things they deserve. I think a parent should be drug screened on a regular basis if they are getting any type of funds from the government. If you do not pass, your money goes into an escrow fund. If you are out drinking every night instead of home with your kids, I want to be the person that stakes you out and gets to turn you in. I want to find you on facebook with all the pics of the "parties" you have went to. I want to be the woman who wears the "S" on my chest and makes a difference.

I am afraid to no avail I will not get to be that woman. I dont want this for myself or my psyche. I want this so that when I go to bed at night, I dont have to worry or think of what awful things someone elses child is suffering because of... lack of good parenting, both parents being in their lives, seeing domestic violence, being molested... and the list goes on. My heart breaks every night to know there are kids out there suffering.
Sometimes I feel like a bad parent because I cannot provide everything my kids want. But then I stop and I think, my kids are healthy. They are happy. They have the basic necessities. When/if the day comes that I cannot do that, I know that I have a good family who will be there for me and have encouraging words for me. I know that not everyone has that and I want to be able to ease a single parents mind at night. I dont want them to have to stay awake with so many worries every night. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I have had where I lay in bed every night and wonder how am I going to pay rent this month, how am I going to squeeze the money for gas next week... I can lay there for 4-5 hours with no inkling of sleep coming.
My life is not bad... I have had my rough patches, my ups and downs. I have had people take advantage of me and screw me over. I have had to deal with domestic violence, men who hate my kids because they come first, people who think I dont do what I should as a parent. When this stuff starts to get me down, the only thing I have to remember is not one person out there who "criticizes" me has ever walked a day in my shoes, seen life from my eyes, held my sons hand before surgery, seen the tears when someone they love dies, comforted them when they were sick...
For the parents out there who are not the parent you should be (yeah you know the ones who would rather get laid than parent, would rather drink all night than be a parent, push your kids off on anyone who will take them, spend all your money on drugs instead of necessities for your kids), this message is for you:
Shame on you for taking yourself from your child. No one has the right to make that choice but that child. You should get your crap together, realize that kid needs you. Get your head out of your ass and do what you are suppose to do for those little people who learn everything from you and how you let people treat them! Stand up and do what is right. Pay your child support. Be there when your kids need you! For petes sake, you are only making them suffer. The parent who is there for them, is not suffering. Yeah it might be rough. It might get tough and make us angry... but at the end of the day, my neck is the one they hug, my lips are the ones they kiss, my heart is the one they make happy and my mind is the one at ease because I know I am doing what I can to make great people who will one day make a difference in this world!
So how do you like the fact that I have such an ADD scattered brain that I cannot even stick to one thing to write about... oh well, its late, my mind has purged for the night and I think that I will fall asleep when my head hits the pillow!

If you are a single parent, my heart goes out to you. Do not lose site of what you want, do not lose that love for others. Dont let the tough times make you too bitter... I am learning this all the hard way. I am labeled as the ice princess... but I think deep down Im a big sap, I just dont show it! Good night...

New Years Eve... am I wrong??? lol

So my kids secretly thought they were going to get out of spending NYE with me! How dare they! We have always spent it together... there was only one NYE that I was not with them and that was because I was attempting to leave my x husbands at the time and my sis came and got my kids for a week.
My kids do not understand why I do this every year. I have never wanted to be out on NYE. People are crazy. They do stupid things. I would prefer to be home with my babies and no drama and no bs! So we hang out, watch tv, play games, computers... whatever! I just want it to be a fun relaxing night. I dont care if others are there, I just want to be home with my kids to bring in the new year. They have acted like it is the most imposing thing I ask for! Apparently I should just go ahead and get a gun to hold to their heads! Sheez! And they are boys! It was almost as dramatic as having teenage girls lol.
I want my kid to understand when they are older, nothing is better than being with the people you love to bring in the new year! When they have kids, I want them to be home with them and play games and just hang out. Being out there on "holiday" nights is dangerous. I just feel there is more of a risk on those nights then regular ones. Especially with NYE. Holiday stress can make people do crazy things, but after holiday stress with make them do stupider things!
Plus it gives me a great excuse for not having to be out and around crazies... no one ever bitches to me when I say "Oh I cant, I always hang out at home with my kids for NYE"! So I got to thinking... my boys are 15 & 13 (2) what am I going to do when they graduate and move??? I will have no excuse... maybe I should adopt! lol

Unanswered Prayers

My text went off this morning about 45 mins after the kids had all left for school while I was getting ready for work. I frantically was afraid something happened to one of my kids since they had all just left.
I check it, it was my sister. She said "Im suppose to publish my prayer. Ive been praying for money".
Me not being catholic had no idea what this would mean or why you are suppose to publish your prayer. So I told her I would put it on my blog and that would be publishing it... however I think only one person reads these, but thats ok, shes close enough to God so he can hear it too =)

But it all got me thinking... I am not a really religious person. I dont go to church. There is so much in my past that just brings me to not be able to believe in certain things. I love God. I believe in God. I do not believe that I have to go be around a bunch of people I dont know, who may mostly be hypocrites to talk to God. I have felt this way for a long long time. Especially after seeing/knowing things my mom has been through, things my dad has done... I just started to lose my faith a bit. I have never faltered on believing in God, just the system that seems to come along with what people think and say is the proper way to be a Christian. Maybe I should state it more like I lost my belief in people.
My life has not been easy. I had a fantastic childhood, aside from a few hiccups, it was good. My parents all loved me. My family is tremendous. But as a "big person" after I graduated high school... maybe even before I graduated - I made some bad decisions. I have thought a lot about those decisions lately and what possibly could have been done differently. But then when I think about what if that happened or what is that didnt happen, it makes me sad.
I believe that everything I have gone through in my life has been for a reason. The last few years in particular. Its been rough. Ive lost a lot, gained little... and seemed to have misplaced my spirit somewhere along the way. I cant seem to shake the funk that it put me in. I dont go out much, I hate to be around people. I dread the thought of having to really socialize! How awful is that? I honestly believe I could be a hermit if I didnt have to work to support my kids and myself and those naughty dogs and adorable kitties.
I think back on things and remember things I prayed so hard for... or some relief of something. And never heard anything. God didnt seem to come through when I needed him or even give me a sign that he cared. I struggled with this for a while. Didnt think I could wrap my head around several things that I faced. So many people have said "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". Well, he needs to stop trusting me and thinking I can handle it all on my own. I fall down. I get back up. I stumble a few times, then I find my footing and weeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeee I take off... just to end up back where I was right before I fell the last time.
So I got to really really thinking about this the other day when I was at B's wrestling match. Maybe it isnt that God isnt answering my prayers, maybe it is that he is waiting for me to realize that he doesnt need to answer them for me to be happy. I have my kids, my health, my kids are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, I have a job... and well the rest doesnt really seem to matter that much anymore. After I lay it all out there and really take a look at it, maybe its for the better that I struggle. Maybe he knows that if I didnt I would end up taking it all for granted. I dont think I should be trusted as much as he is trusting me with this stuff tho. My psyche is off wack. Im thankful I took psychology so I can have an inkling of an idea on how to recognize when Im about to fully go over the edge... if not I may end up an alcoholic or a drug abuser. There is potential there... I think for anyone to slip that far down. Luckily I have been around it all enough to know that is not what I want in my life or need. And neither do my kids.
Maybe there should be a law that a handbook should be given out at birth. It would have to be very durable. And people would have to be forced to read it at an early age but certain chapters should be locked until you come upon those times in your life when it will really mean something when you read it. Times when things are hard and you think you cant take another step. Times when you have hit your head on the same rock over and over... and still get no clue as to how to go around the rock.
No matter what religion someone is... I dont think prayers should be published. I think they should be like making a birthday wish, or wishing on a shooting star, or wishing on the brightest star... there are just some things that should be between you and God... or whoever you believe in. As I write this I have a feeling a major life changing something will be happening in my future. I dont know what. I dont know when. I dont know how... but what I do know is that I will be ready for it. No matter what it is. I know that all the falling down I have done has caused my skinned knees to make my brain work differently. I have realized that I dont need someone to hold my heart or my hand in times when I think I need someone. I just need my own strength and my belief that somehow, someway, he does hear me and does what he thinks is best for me in my situation. And regardless if I believe what everyone else does or not, he is still there......

Weeeee look what I can do!!!

Ok, I am not a professional by any means but since I am a single mom, I will have to pretend that I am. I do not get paid for the things I do but would gladly accept donations =) (joke)

So we moved into our new little humble abode... this will be our forever home. I refuse to ever move again. And by the time the kids move out, I will pretty much have it paid off! I am renting for now. Until Sept 2011 then I will buy. I will once again be a home owner, I need to find my sanity and ability to save money by then!

But back to the house... there is no space... and I mean NO SPACE for storage! I decided to make shelves built in to the walls! Again, I am just pretending to be a professional when I am at home.

This is the before picture:



And so... now begins my destruction errrr I mean construction lol.



This was next, this was when my kids were asking me if I was crazy...



Bwwwhhhhaaaahhhaaaaa



This was before I painted it. I am not finished with it, so I will stop here and post that tonight or tomorrow when I completed the mess errrr I mean beautiful creation I have made!

Pizza Hotline??

So after spending the evening with my 2 oldest step daughters (x). We drove through their little town of Carlisle, Ohio... when V noticed a Pizza Hotline number... and the jokes began with the 3 boys!!!!
Just think what a pizza hotline really is...
Hi, how would you like your pizza? (in a sexy girl voice)

Seamen...

So last night, I was laying on the couch watching old Miami Ink reruns... my oldest V comes to join me after he gets out of the shower. So we started talking about tattoos and such. He says "For my 16th birthday we should go get tattoos together" Im pretty sure my jaw hit the ground! I said "it took me 35 years to get my first one, what makes you think Im going to let you get one at 16?". Well we conversed some more, all the while Im thinking of what my tribute tattoo for my Uncle Larry is going to be... V is telling me he wants to get an anchor with water around it. I had to ask him why since he has never been a sailor or in the navy... then the humor starts...
"But at some point I was a seaman (semen)... and we all had to fight to get here... I have struggled just as hard as anyone else to be where I am... " I laughed so hard I cried!
I dont know where he learned this stuff but however I am so glad out of all those millions, he is the one who made it here! =)