If the shoe fits...

So people are going to screw up in life right?
I mean shyte this happens every day. But contrary to popular belief that person will not always be screwing up.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me Saturday night that you will have F#$% ups, and you will have a person who has F$#^*& up.
I am a cheerleader and football player for the latter team. I have not completely screwed my life up. I have made choices that were not so great, choices that I could make a time machine and go change... or I could just shrug my shoulders, wipe off the tears and go on with life.
I am not perfect... by any means. However... there are enough people who feel they have the right, earned the right or whatever, to point their dirty little fingers at others. Now let me be a bit brutal right here... YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE F'ING RIGHT TO POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ANYONE!
I do not care who you are, you could be Mother Teresa and you still have not earned the right to point your finger at anyone.
I am a constant learner. Contrary to what you finger pointers believe. I know when to hold them, I know when to fold, I know when to walk away and I certainly know when to run! I am not a conniving person, I am not a liar unless it is to someone who does not matter to me... and then it is usually such a small lie that (even tho still wrong) is not going to affect my life in a major way.
I have had my fill of hard times, crappy luck and just plain bad times. BUT I dont dwell on it and let it control my life. I did that once, when I found out I was going to lose my house after my divorce when I couldnt find a job... I went into a depression. I became someone I didnt like. I drank a few times a week then but it wasnt like I was in the bar every night, and I wasnt bringing people home to be around my kids. When I realized I was going into a depression, I panicked and flipped out. I ended up having a very bad anxiety attack at my sons cross country meet one Saturday. I thought I was dying. I was sure it was the end of the world.
For the crap I have gone through in the last 8-9 months, that was nothing in comparison. Everyone has to believe in something right? Even if I explained to you in great details you still wouldnt understand what I believe in. My belief system is a little screwed up. I pray, I talk to my Uncle Larry, I find forgiveness in my heart, I find solace in trying to be the best person I can be.
But when someone runs their mouth about you and says things that are not true, you start to question yourself. You begin to wonder how others see you... I use to care what a lot of people thought of me. But I dont anymore. The reason for this is, I talk to God. I dont need to say anything more. Its not a real close relationship, I am human after all. But when I think there is something substantial in my life that I need his help on, he is always there for me. Sometimes he comes in the form of my daddy or someone else who listens and tries to help me get a grip on things.
I have lost my faith in a lot of people lately.
Does it bother me? Not always.
Do I miss them? Very rarely
Why? Because this situation has shown me the true selves of so many people I thought once meant the world to me.
Have I learned from this? You bet I have, and it is a lesson I cannot even describe to you, it is a situation I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. But I am at peace, I am humbled, and I am done.

I am done feeling anything. I have my boys and few close friends and that is all I need right now. Lies can be told, lies can be believed, words are cheap when you dont know the whole situation or have the balls to listen to every side of something.
I am tired and worn down... but I got my second wind and promise more good will come of this than I ever thought possible.
So one day when you realize how much you have missed and want to call to see how its going, dont bother... I wont have the time to listen to you then, just like you didnt have the time to ever really listen to me.