Unanswered Prayers

My text went off this morning about 45 mins after the kids had all left for school while I was getting ready for work. I frantically was afraid something happened to one of my kids since they had all just left.
I check it, it was my sister. She said "Im suppose to publish my prayer. Ive been praying for money".
Me not being catholic had no idea what this would mean or why you are suppose to publish your prayer. So I told her I would put it on my blog and that would be publishing it... however I think only one person reads these, but thats ok, shes close enough to God so he can hear it too =)

But it all got me thinking... I am not a really religious person. I dont go to church. There is so much in my past that just brings me to not be able to believe in certain things. I love God. I believe in God. I do not believe that I have to go be around a bunch of people I dont know, who may mostly be hypocrites to talk to God. I have felt this way for a long long time. Especially after seeing/knowing things my mom has been through, things my dad has done... I just started to lose my faith a bit. I have never faltered on believing in God, just the system that seems to come along with what people think and say is the proper way to be a Christian. Maybe I should state it more like I lost my belief in people.
My life has not been easy. I had a fantastic childhood, aside from a few hiccups, it was good. My parents all loved me. My family is tremendous. But as a "big person" after I graduated high school... maybe even before I graduated - I made some bad decisions. I have thought a lot about those decisions lately and what possibly could have been done differently. But then when I think about what if that happened or what is that didnt happen, it makes me sad.
I believe that everything I have gone through in my life has been for a reason. The last few years in particular. Its been rough. Ive lost a lot, gained little... and seemed to have misplaced my spirit somewhere along the way. I cant seem to shake the funk that it put me in. I dont go out much, I hate to be around people. I dread the thought of having to really socialize! How awful is that? I honestly believe I could be a hermit if I didnt have to work to support my kids and myself and those naughty dogs and adorable kitties.
I think back on things and remember things I prayed so hard for... or some relief of something. And never heard anything. God didnt seem to come through when I needed him or even give me a sign that he cared. I struggled with this for a while. Didnt think I could wrap my head around several things that I faced. So many people have said "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". Well, he needs to stop trusting me and thinking I can handle it all on my own. I fall down. I get back up. I stumble a few times, then I find my footing and weeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeee I take off... just to end up back where I was right before I fell the last time.
So I got to really really thinking about this the other day when I was at B's wrestling match. Maybe it isnt that God isnt answering my prayers, maybe it is that he is waiting for me to realize that he doesnt need to answer them for me to be happy. I have my kids, my health, my kids are healthy. We have a roof over our heads, I have a job... and well the rest doesnt really seem to matter that much anymore. After I lay it all out there and really take a look at it, maybe its for the better that I struggle. Maybe he knows that if I didnt I would end up taking it all for granted. I dont think I should be trusted as much as he is trusting me with this stuff tho. My psyche is off wack. Im thankful I took psychology so I can have an inkling of an idea on how to recognize when Im about to fully go over the edge... if not I may end up an alcoholic or a drug abuser. There is potential there... I think for anyone to slip that far down. Luckily I have been around it all enough to know that is not what I want in my life or need. And neither do my kids.
Maybe there should be a law that a handbook should be given out at birth. It would have to be very durable. And people would have to be forced to read it at an early age but certain chapters should be locked until you come upon those times in your life when it will really mean something when you read it. Times when things are hard and you think you cant take another step. Times when you have hit your head on the same rock over and over... and still get no clue as to how to go around the rock.
No matter what religion someone is... I dont think prayers should be published. I think they should be like making a birthday wish, or wishing on a shooting star, or wishing on the brightest star... there are just some things that should be between you and God... or whoever you believe in. As I write this I have a feeling a major life changing something will be happening in my future. I dont know what. I dont know when. I dont know how... but what I do know is that I will be ready for it. No matter what it is. I know that all the falling down I have done has caused my skinned knees to make my brain work differently. I have realized that I dont need someone to hold my heart or my hand in times when I think I need someone. I just need my own strength and my belief that somehow, someway, he does hear me and does what he thinks is best for me in my situation. And regardless if I believe what everyone else does or not, he is still there......

Weeeee look what I can do!!!

Ok, I am not a professional by any means but since I am a single mom, I will have to pretend that I am. I do not get paid for the things I do but would gladly accept donations =) (joke)

So we moved into our new little humble abode... this will be our forever home. I refuse to ever move again. And by the time the kids move out, I will pretty much have it paid off! I am renting for now. Until Sept 2011 then I will buy. I will once again be a home owner, I need to find my sanity and ability to save money by then!

But back to the house... there is no space... and I mean NO SPACE for storage! I decided to make shelves built in to the walls! Again, I am just pretending to be a professional when I am at home.

This is the before picture:



And so... now begins my destruction errrr I mean construction lol.



This was next, this was when my kids were asking me if I was crazy...



Bwwwhhhhaaaahhhaaaaa



This was before I painted it. I am not finished with it, so I will stop here and post that tonight or tomorrow when I completed the mess errrr I mean beautiful creation I have made!

Pizza Hotline??

So after spending the evening with my 2 oldest step daughters (x). We drove through their little town of Carlisle, Ohio... when V noticed a Pizza Hotline number... and the jokes began with the 3 boys!!!!
Just think what a pizza hotline really is...
Hi, how would you like your pizza? (in a sexy girl voice)

Seamen...

So last night, I was laying on the couch watching old Miami Ink reruns... my oldest V comes to join me after he gets out of the shower. So we started talking about tattoos and such. He says "For my 16th birthday we should go get tattoos together" Im pretty sure my jaw hit the ground! I said "it took me 35 years to get my first one, what makes you think Im going to let you get one at 16?". Well we conversed some more, all the while Im thinking of what my tribute tattoo for my Uncle Larry is going to be... V is telling me he wants to get an anchor with water around it. I had to ask him why since he has never been a sailor or in the navy... then the humor starts...
"But at some point I was a seaman (semen)... and we all had to fight to get here... I have struggled just as hard as anyone else to be where I am... " I laughed so hard I cried!
I dont know where he learned this stuff but however I am so glad out of all those millions, he is the one who made it here! =)

Secrets!!!

Ok, so I have heard so much about Mississippi Delta Fudge Pie and went online to try to find the recipe... because after my chocolate melt in your mouth cake last week, I wanted to make this for my boys.
TO MY DISMAY!!!!!! you cannot find this recipe without purchasing it! Are you serious???? Who charges for a recipe? Does the whole world hate me? Am I doomed to never be able to make a Mississippi Delta Fudge Pie for my poor little deprived teenagers (lol)???
I am a blog jumper/stalker. I read lots and lots of blogs and make copies of the photos of the items I like for ideas for my house... I follow a lot of blogs too just because I like what the people have to say or they know how to make me laugh.... can someone please just send me a copy of this recipe?

So I will sing this song until someone sends it to me!

Oh where Oh where could my litle Mississippi Delta Fudge Pie be? Where oh where could it be????

Home....

So today I went to look at a house. My cousins boyfriend is selling this house & my real dad & step mom thought of me... so for the heck of it i went to see it. i liked it. i have soooooo many ideas for this house! it is not perfect... but it is workable. my thoughts are this: my boys will be moving out in the next 3-5 years. i will have it payed off by then... then i am scott free right??? lol
so when you walk in, there is a tiny living room, then a bigger dining room... im going to have to knock the divider down to make it one open room! small living rooms are not acceptable to me =)
the bedrooms are nice sized, the bathroom is tiny but not as tiny as what i have now... so its doable. the kitchen.... wow! it is going to need some work but i am patient and can do a good portion of it myself so its cool. the basement is not finished it doesnt have central air but that can be worked on also by next summer. there is a little sunroom on the back that will be vincents room until we build a bigger room onto it. i think this will be a good learning experience with me and the boys and building stuff together. i am going to see how much of it we can do on our own =) so i will be posting pics as we move in (in sept) and get the renovations going on!
i am very thankful this opportunity fell into my lap & i didnt sit and think about it to make myself not want to do it, i am just taking this on a whim & doing it! it is $200 cheaper a month than my rent now... land contract for the first year until i get all my stuff paid off and in order... so my wonderful blessings are much much appreciated at this point!

Betraying Yourself...

The last couple months have been crazy. I have gotten so close with & so far from my kids. I feel like a stranger sometimes. I discovered they have all smoked pot. Mind you I knew my oldest was going to eventually because he talked to me about it but I thought I had talked him out of it... to my greatest fear I had not. I also found out my youngest two have been smoking...

Attitude

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

William James


I read this today on a website... it really made me think about a lot of things. And for one I am glad that some of those things are gone in my life. Im just confused as to why they had to happen. There has to be some big picture I am not seeing or understanding. I have never regretted anything in my life but there is one thing I do regret and that is going to drive me insane. It is not really anything I did or didnt do but its the way I allowed things to happen. I think I have basically just set myself up for the bs that went down....
But on to a better life, one that brings much more peace... and hopefully it stays that way!

If the shoe fits...

So people are going to screw up in life right?
I mean shyte this happens every day. But contrary to popular belief that person will not always be screwing up.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me Saturday night that you will have F#$% ups, and you will have a person who has F$#^*& up.
I am a cheerleader and football player for the latter team. I have not completely screwed my life up. I have made choices that were not so great, choices that I could make a time machine and go change... or I could just shrug my shoulders, wipe off the tears and go on with life.
I am not perfect... by any means. However... there are enough people who feel they have the right, earned the right or whatever, to point their dirty little fingers at others. Now let me be a bit brutal right here... YOU HAVE NOT EARNED THE F'ING RIGHT TO POINT YOUR FINGERS AT ANYONE!
I do not care who you are, you could be Mother Teresa and you still have not earned the right to point your finger at anyone.
I am a constant learner. Contrary to what you finger pointers believe. I know when to hold them, I know when to fold, I know when to walk away and I certainly know when to run! I am not a conniving person, I am not a liar unless it is to someone who does not matter to me... and then it is usually such a small lie that (even tho still wrong) is not going to affect my life in a major way.
I have had my fill of hard times, crappy luck and just plain bad times. BUT I dont dwell on it and let it control my life. I did that once, when I found out I was going to lose my house after my divorce when I couldnt find a job... I went into a depression. I became someone I didnt like. I drank a few times a week then but it wasnt like I was in the bar every night, and I wasnt bringing people home to be around my kids. When I realized I was going into a depression, I panicked and flipped out. I ended up having a very bad anxiety attack at my sons cross country meet one Saturday. I thought I was dying. I was sure it was the end of the world.
For the crap I have gone through in the last 8-9 months, that was nothing in comparison. Everyone has to believe in something right? Even if I explained to you in great details you still wouldnt understand what I believe in. My belief system is a little screwed up. I pray, I talk to my Uncle Larry, I find forgiveness in my heart, I find solace in trying to be the best person I can be.
But when someone runs their mouth about you and says things that are not true, you start to question yourself. You begin to wonder how others see you... I use to care what a lot of people thought of me. But I dont anymore. The reason for this is, I talk to God. I dont need to say anything more. Its not a real close relationship, I am human after all. But when I think there is something substantial in my life that I need his help on, he is always there for me. Sometimes he comes in the form of my daddy or someone else who listens and tries to help me get a grip on things.
I have lost my faith in a lot of people lately.
Does it bother me? Not always.
Do I miss them? Very rarely
Why? Because this situation has shown me the true selves of so many people I thought once meant the world to me.
Have I learned from this? You bet I have, and it is a lesson I cannot even describe to you, it is a situation I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. But I am at peace, I am humbled, and I am done.

I am done feeling anything. I have my boys and few close friends and that is all I need right now. Lies can be told, lies can be believed, words are cheap when you dont know the whole situation or have the balls to listen to every side of something.
I am tired and worn down... but I got my second wind and promise more good will come of this than I ever thought possible.
So one day when you realize how much you have missed and want to call to see how its going, dont bother... I wont have the time to listen to you then, just like you didnt have the time to ever really listen to me.

hmmmmmm

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." - -- Maya Angelou

PS I Love You

Ok, so I watched this movie a few weeks ago. It made me cry, then immediately made you laugh. I loved it but hated it. I needed a cry my eyes out kind of movie.
Last week I was in the library and seen the book on the shelf while looking at movies. I decided to read it.... big mistake. I hated it. Well not necessarily HATED it but it sucked pretty bad.
At first I was mad because it was nothing like the movie... but the farther I got into the book Im glad it was nothing like the movie. They took the best parts of the book and made the movie.
I dont think I would recommend this book for anyone, it was just not my cup of tea... no offense to the little girl who wrote it =)

Looking glass

So the shit I have been dealing with that I am not going to go into detail about because there are just some things that make it hard to believe the shit happened. I am in the anger stage right now. Angry that she could ever do that to me... the one person she knows would never do what she said. I have a witness and fk the rest.
I dont care anymore. I have just basically lost my family and I dont care. I have my boys and to me that is all the family I need now. I guess going through this I will find out who my true friends are...
Im not one to keep a lot of friends around or let them in too deep. Its not that I dont need friends, I just dont want to risk being stabbed in the back. I mean hell if your own family can do it then why wouldnt someone else???
It is more stress than one person needs to go through. Am I sorry the whole ordeal happened? Yes. I would never do what was said. I am appalled that I have had to listen to the lies and bs fuming around. At first I was in shock and just wanted to get the shit over and done with. Now... now I think that all the things you have ever said to me are bs and I dont ever want to talk to you again for the rest of my life. I thought you were someone. I adored you. I loved being able to look up to you. I thought I needed you in my life but for 36 years I guess I was very mistaken.
I honestly should have seen it coming with the way you have been towards me in the last year. I should have cut my ties a year ago and done what I wanted to do.
Everyone makes mistakes in their life. Losing my house after a divorce is not something I should have been condemned for. I was trying to make ends meet and work anywhere at that point. I have never been an alcoholic. I have never done all the things you have said to so many different people. Im sure you cant even keep your own lies straight anymore because you have told so many of them.
And now.. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because I am the one person that has been there just like you were always there for me.
My heart breaks that we have come to this. I hope to God you never try to talk to me because I feel nothing anymore for you. It almost makes me cry to be able to say that. But you know that all you have wanted from me in the last year is to break me down... to see me cry... to know that I have any feelings left at all. Well congratulations... you will now know that I do not have any feelings left. I have been hurt for the last time by the last person I ever thought would be able to hurt me.
Goodbye forever...

Wicked... OMG

So I was off work last week and decided to read my brains out. I read about 7 books. I watched a few movies in between.
The one book I read that was so long awaited was Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Wicked has recently come to Dayton's Shuster (sp)Center. I am too cheap to buy a $100-125 ticket. So I ordered the book on Ebay for $7. WOW!!!!
Now my most fav movie is Wizard of Oz. I love it. So I had to read the books. This book was just incredible. There were a few times I got a little confused but I still none the less enjoyed this book immensely. The way the characters flow the way they speak. Geez just the whole interaction of the book together was astonishing. I would have to rate this book as a 9 on my book like level because it had me from page one. I read this is less than 48 hours and it is pretty small print. So if anyone likes the Wizard of Oz and wants to get a refreshing look at behind the scenes - aka what happened before Wizard of Oz, this is the book to read. It does steer a little off from the movie but it does it with great style. It makes it seem so real. Now I am going to order Son of a Witch.
And if you dont like Oz stuff, you can always read Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - this book is about Cinderella. It was intriguing also. It paints the characters in such a different light that what you gather from the movies you have seen and stories you were told as a child. I have also read his Lost book, it was a little ho hum for me but still I read it all the way through. It didnt grab me as much until near the middle of the book.

is experiencing mystery science 3000- my kids wanted to watch platoon of the dead on netflix & its the worst (un)scary movie! its sooo cheesy!

The Learning Curve

in life people never tell you how hard the trials and tribulations will be.
you have to find out for yourself. by making mistakes, bad choices and from watching people around you do the same. now you wont always learn from others but once you see them banging their head on the same rock being unhappy you will eventually realize that that is not what you want in your life.
life should come with an instruction manual. i firmly believe this. because if you dont have someone to turn to at least to get things off your chest, maybe a little advice...but mainly just for someone to listen - then you will most likely go off your rocker.
when you face unbelievable challenges and people say God only gives you what he knows you can handle... in most cases i believe this... in some cases i would like to walk away and never speak to that person again. i know he means well but sometimes enough is enough and maybe we arent as strong as he thinks we are. i would hate to doubt what he knows but sometimes its just a little too much to bare in life.
life is at most an adventurous learning curve. some mistakes you make will be forgiven, some wont, others you just dont care if they are or not. you are judged (graded) by others. people who know you, people who dont, people who think they do and people who just listen to what others say and form their own opinion from that.
for the most part, i have tried to learn from my own mistakes. i dont brush them off and not remember them... trust me some of them haunt me on a nightly basis - regardless how much you try to brush them off and pick yourself up. i have always believed that if you regret things then you wish your life was different and therefore that would change your whole life. i dont want to change my whole life. the mistakes i have made i have embraced and owned. i have made changes within myself in some instances to help me cope with a situation, others i have just had to walk away and leave a situation alone so as not to drag myself down.
the last year of my life has completely changed me in so many ways. i have lost a lot in the last year... ive lost a few people i was very close to... ive lost what i thought i could never lose.
in those moments when your mind is silent and you go back and you think of the things you have, the way things use to be and how much has changed in such a short time... sometimes you find the darkness you loath and sometimes you will find the brightest place you could ever be.
im not perfect by any means and i would never claim to be but somewhere, somehow in that darkest moment in my life i have found the bright spot. the place where i think is what is suppose to be. the place where my soul will be ok and not be damaged anymore by the things i dont want or need anymore. most of it materialistic things and some such strong emotional things... but somewhere there is the peace my heart & soul will find and no matter where i go from here there will always be those challenges that i dread to face, no matter how weak i think i am, God knows me better and knows that i can handle these things or else he would not place them in my path. some days, he could just not trust me so much as my faith in myself gets a little thin sometimes...

my nephew chopper!

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